General Correspondence

Photo by Joey Contreras Jr.

Dear Helen,

I was reconsidering using a schedule for my 19 month old daughter, such as that of the Ezzos in Growing Kids God's Way, since my husband's cousin, mother of 5, recommended it (I had previously looked at it and decided it was not good, at least for newborns). It was in this search (I was actually searching for a schedule from GKGW) that I came across your article, "Woman to Woman" which led me to your "Mothers Companion" website. Thank you for this article. I think you have hit the nail on the head. In fact, even before reading your article, I had been asking myself who there was in town who was a Godly Christian woman who had raised children like whom I would like mine to turn out. I even asked my husband if there was any couple in town who had had children who turned out well and to whom we could go to advice (I only moved here since I married 3.5 years ago; he's been here about 20 years). We've just ended up resigning from our church late last year (over many things---for instance the pastor believed that the song he liked telling non-Christian people to "try" Jesus if they needed a friend was ok because having tried Jesus they wouldn't go back; also that he was saved before he repented). However, at our ex-Church (which was fairly small) the other mothers of young children were using the Ezzo's material (Babywise or Growing Kids God's Way) and thought it was wonderful. The pastor's wife recommended it to me as she thought that the children were happier and more content on it (her daughter-in-law was using it on the pastor's wife's grandchildren). Anyhow, I hope you will not mind and have time to give me some advice. First of all though, I would quickly like to let you know of some information that I hope will be useful for your husband's research.

Although I find Biblical chronology very interesting, I have not had a lot of time to go into it very much. I've only had a very quick glance at Gerald's website. The most intriguing link was the "missing millennium", and I read the summary there. I would say I have to agree that there are more than 480 years between the Exodus and the temple. However, I think there are only 114 extra years. I say this based on the work of David L. Cooper, Th.M., PhD., Litt.D. in his book "Messiah: His First Coming Scheduled" (Messianic Series Number 4, available at http://www.biblicalresearch.info/page1d.html ). Dr. Cooper has shown that if one looks carefully at the times given in the Bible for all the individual events between the Exodus and the temple, and adds them all up, one comes to a total of 594 years, not 480, a discrepancy of 114 years. However, a close examination of the data reveals that Israel was out of fellowship with God for exactly this number of years, being in servitude to to other nations for 111 years and having a 3 year usurpation of Abimelech. Hence, the 480 years are the "theocratic" years in which Israel was being ruled by God and not handed over for judgement to other nations. I would really encourage you and Gerald to read Cooper's book (I must admit I have not managed to read all of it myself yet, though). I have to also put in a disclaimer that I am dubious about his (Cooper's) statement that there was a world which Satan destroyed and then God re-created in Genesis 1 (a form of gap theory). Nevertheless, most of the other things he says I find to be quite good. Cooper does mention excavations at Jericho, and fits in the Egyptian rulers with his chronology. The part about the 480 years vs. the 594 years is at the end of the chapter called "The Period of the Judges" (Chapter 7), and also at the end of Chapter 4. Comments on the Pharaohs are in Chapter 4, "Israel's Bondage in Egypt and the Exodus", Section II and III. (Disclaimer: This might not be an exhaustive list.) Dr. Cooper's chronology also agrees with the statement in Acts 13:19-20 by Paul that the period of the Judges was 450 years.

Another line of evidence is the calendar of the ancient Maya. Their calendar was extremely accurate, even more accurate than ours. They calculated the solar year at 365.2420 days, a minus error of only 0.0002 of a day. The year zero on the Mayan calendar was the creaton of the world. It agrees to within about 56 years of Ussher's famous chronology, being 56 years shorter than the 4004 B.C. date of Ussher. I read this information in "The Puzzle of Ancient Man: Advanced Technology in Past Civilizations?" by Donald E. Chittick published by Creation Compass, pp. 119-124. This book gives only a superficial overview, I am afraid. The references are to Graham Hancock, "Fingerprints of the Gods", New York, Crown Trade Paperbacks, 1995, pp. 159, 242, 234-237 and Bill Cooper, "After the Flood: The Early post-Flood History of Europe," New Wine Press, West Sussex, pp. 127 - 128 (not sure if the Bill Cooper reference is to Mayans, or just other cultures with similar dates of creation), and Silvanus Morley, "The Ancient Maya," Stanford University Press, 1956, pp. 256-257, 242, 234-237.

I know that if David Cooper is correct, it's going to be heart-breaking to realize you've put so much work into something not quite right. I know the sinking feeling you get when you read a review of your work you've submitted for publication which says it has fundamental errors or has been done before (I was a research associate until I resigned my job at the end of last year). Nevertheless, I think the truth is important, so I hope you'll at least check these things out if you have not read Cooper's work before.

Now, back to my daughter, Hannah. Probably our biggest challenge is getting her to sleep. I generally spend an hour after lunch and an hour at bed-time getting her to sleep. Sometimes, I will take her to bed on 3 different occasions during the day before I finally get her to sleep. Often, she will only go to sleep while breast-feeding. There is so much relevant information to tell, I'm not sure where to start. When she was 8 weeks old, she did sleep right through the night for (I think) a couple of weeks (I didn't write it down). After that, we seemed to have permanent teething troubles from 3 or 4 months until about 1 year. Some nights I ended up sleeping in the chair in the lounge with her in an upright position as she could not sleep lying down. At one stage I was giving her Nurofen (an NSAID painkiller) once every 2 or 3 days for a couple of weeks at a time. I tried to give it as little as possible, as I think such things are probably bad for one. I also have food intolerances, which I think it is highly likely I have passed on to her. I cannot have anything from a cow or bull, and neither can I tolerate gluten. There are other things that upset me, but I have not managed to figure out what they are. I suspect I may have an enzyme deficiency which means I cannot digest carbohydrates (particularly large servings of carbohydrates) and they therefore ferment in my bowel causing gas and bloating. Hannah mostly sticks to my diet (with the exception of sharing her father's breakfast of rolled oats, which give me me bellyache). On the rare occasions (two, I think) she's had ice cream (cow's milk), we've had a sleepless night and green poos.

To get Hannah to sleep, I take her to her bed (a Queen size inner spring mattress on the floor), and lie down with her and feed her. If she is really, really tired, to the point of being very grumpy and uncooperative (e.g. if we have been out and her after-lunch nap is delayed until 4 or 5:30 pm), she will go to sleep very quickly sucking on the breast and I can get up and leave her. Otherwise, she will have a drink and then get up and want to play (she wants me to get up too, and play with her). This is despite tired signs of rubbing eyes and starting to get a bit grumpy. I will then usually attempt to hold her down in a lying down position beside me. At this, she screams and screams. After a bit of screaming, I will re-offer a breast, which she will accept. Sometimes she then goes to sleep, and other times she wants to get up and play again. A similar thing happens at night. At night she seems to think that she needs to do gymnastics while breastfeeding, which I find quite annoying, especially when her teeth move with the rest of her body (I am amazed at how much she can move and keep her teeth still). At night, if she's doing gymnastics and not really drinking, or is not drinking and sitting up and not going to sleep, and I've tried to hold her down and it didn't work, I will hand over to my husband. He used to hold her down and she would scream and then go to sleep. Now, she won't let him touch her after I've "deserted" her (she is quite happy to see him at other times), but will lie down by herself and scream, or perhaps appear to be asleep but be watching/alert, so that when he tries to leave the room, she gets up and comes crying after him. Often if she does go to sleep, it is with a leg or arm over one of us, so that when we try to leave, she often wakes up (although often we can sneak away gently). Currently she wakes up once or twice a night for milk, and on a bad night, much more. Some nights she is very unsettled, and I am unable to get away as every tiny movement I make she wakes up and cries. I cannot even roll over to get into a more comfortable position without waking her. I think these nights she also seems to let off a lot of gas, so maybe she has bellyache. Sometimes I also have a bit of mild bellyache on these nights from something we've eaten. Often, by the time she is asleep at night, so am I. This means I end up sleeping the night with my daughter, instead of my husband. I know he would very much like his wife back in his bed. Moving Hannah to our bed is not really an option, as none of us get a good night's sleep with her; she seems to move about a lot, and refuses to be under the blankets. If a blanket is put over her, she will kick, struggle and scream until she gets out from under it. Not getting a good night's sleep really makes my husband not happy. If we try to get Hannah back to sleep at night without giving her milk, she screams and screams and screams. Generally, we give in and feed her. Sometimes after feeding her, if she did not go to sleep on the breast, we can put her on the bed and bounce the bed up and down or pat her to get her to sleep.

So, finally, my questions: Is it normal for a child this old to wake up this much at night? Is there anything we can to to get her to sleep through the night? Some have suggested that weaning (or perhaps night-weaning) would help, but breast milk is such a great "secret weapon" for calming a tired, hungry, upset child that I don't think I could do without it. Maybe she sleeps too long at night for going down easily; she goes to bed sometime between 8 and 10 pm, and wakes up usually around 9am (I know this sounds late, but we are on daylight saving, so it's really only 8am). She cannot go without a daytime nap, as otherwise she is extremely grumpy by 5pm. We have a play pen, which I sometimes set up on her mattress and put her in it when I know she is tired but she just will not go to sleep. I will go and do something else, as otherwise she just wants to get to me or else will try to play with me (she hates being imprisoned). Within 5 minutes she has usually screamed and made herself so upset that the vomits (as a result I resort to this only when I am feeling completely frustrated). However, she has then expended so much energy being upset the she usually goes to sleep as soon as she is cleaned up and given breast milk.

I found a device on the internet called the lullabub, which you can put under a cot to rock the cot. It can do various things like car ride, mother's heart beat, etc. I showed it to my husband, but he said he thought that the problem was a discipline one, not a cot-needing-to-be-rocked one. He said she knows what we mean when we say lie down, and she's just being disobedient. (At this point I must say that sometimes when I feed her, she spits it out, lies still for some time, maybe a couple of minutes, and then as she does not go to sleep, she gets up and starts moving.) I'm not so sure it's a discipline problem. I have been thinking that maybe I need to wake her up earlier in the morning so she is more tired at nap time. If she naps late, she won't go to sleep at night.

Also, would you recommend spanking for not lying still at nappy change?

What about seeing being told to come have a nappy change as an excellent opportunity to have a game of "Hug, hug", where Hannah runs and Mummy chases and catches and gives a big hug. She plays this game on other occasions as a game. However, she knows that I will come after her to do the nappy change, so she deliberately does not come, and when I come to get her, she says "Hug, hug" and runs off. I like that she wants to play with me, but she needs to learn to obey me. I'm not sure what the appropriate response is here. Often she will not lie down for nappy change even when she's not playing "Hug, hug." Occasionally she will voluntarily lie down and ask for a nappy change.

When we've been outside doing the washing, and it's time to come inside, she will also wait near the door until she knows that next I will try to take her inside, and then she says "Hug, hug" and runs off. Generally I have to pick her up and carry her in as she won't come voluntarily (occasionally I am pleasantly surprised with compliance). She used to put on a big tantrum at this and kick and scream. I would dump her on her bed and ignore it. Now she just accepts that she's been brought inside.

Also, she often wants me to come with her when inside to play with/investigate/get something. If I don't come with her, she puts on a tantrum, running into the wall and screaming. This is annoying especially when I am trying to eat dinner (she's finished hers).

Thanks in advance for your help.

Yours in Christ,

Susan

Photo by Joey Contreras Jr.

Dear Susan,

Thank you for taking the time to write to Gerald and myself.

Regarding Gerald's work, I read your e-mail to him. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us regarding your own research on the topic. Gerald has spent his life involved in biblical research. He is aware of the books you mentioned and has even met some of the authors personally. Since you have an interest in his work, I would strongly recommend you purchase his books and back issues, especially his new book, "The Exodus Happened 2450 B. C." which is getting some very good reviews at the present time. It is a very easy read, but not based on theology but scientific research. I think you would really enjoy it. All the questions you asked are answered on his website, either in back issues, or in the correspondence section. I think you will find his answers quite satisfactory.

Regarding your 19 month old daughter. I would urge you to read all the information I have posted on my website, in the corresondence section as well as purchasing the back issues that deal with the family bed, discipline and child raising in general. There is an index for each back issue, as well as a search on the site that will lead you to the back issues that you will find most helpful. (The back issues are only $1.99 each.) All of the questions you have asked are answered there and they are there as a ministry to moms just like yourself.

Thanks again for writing.

Blessings,

Helen

April 8, 2009

Hello Helen,

Thanks for writing before. I have been reading many of your back issues. Well, we finally have a king size bed of sorts; we pulled our queen size mattress to pieces since it was giving us sore backs, threw away the springs (which stunk really bad, probably from some chemical put in at manufacturing), and used the pillow top and latex out of the mattress along with some foam and woollen blankets and quilts we already had to make up a king size bed on the floor. Now we all fit and I'm getting a better night's sleep. Thanks for your encouragement. (We did look at buying a new king size mattress, but the ones we like are $4,000, and we're trying to pay off a mortgage on a low income, although we did save a lot while I was working so are ahead in our repayments.) Now my husband can sleep with us and still get a good night's sleep, so that's good. I wish I had known what I know now about the family bed and that toddlers don't sleep through the night when Hannah was born, but I guess there's nothing like experience to be a good teacher.

I have an acquaintance who has a slightly younger child than mine who would not sleep; her boy wouldn't even sleep in bed with his parents. She ended up going the "leave him to scream" route, which she found extremely difficult, but she couldn't cope with the lack of sleep any more. Now he sleeps through the night. However, I'm very curious as to why on earth he wouldn't sleep in bed with the parents. If you have any time, do you have any idea why he wouldn't sleep in bed with his parents? My friend said last time I saw her that she's thinking of going gluten free as gluten causes an upset tummy and burping for her. Maybe he didn't like gluten in the breastmilk? (He's on formula now, and has been since about 1 year old.)

Thanks again.

Love,

Susan

April 10, 2009

Dear Susan,

What wonderful news! I'm so glad to hear that things are going better and that you can now all sleep together in peace! Some men want their wives all to themselves, without little ones in their beds, and what they get is shattered woman who feels that she depriving their babies. What husband wants an emotional basket case in his bed? Isn't it nice when everybody wins?!

Good for you for making the change in your sleeping arrangments. We all make mistakes and wish we could retake the past, but be grateful that you learned how to meet your babies needs while she is still relatively young.

It is hard to evaluate what someone else is doing without actually talking to her and getting more information. I have never heard of a baby who was kept by the mother's side from day one and yet who refused to sleep with the mom. We don't have the whole story here is the problem.

I don't know much about gluten and breastfeeding problems. But it could easily be researched on La Leche League sites.

I'm so proud of you!

Love,

Helen

March 19, 2009

Stumbled across your website, as I looked for encouragement as an at-home mother on-line! Actually, I know there are no coincidences in this world!

As a motherless daughter (for almost 16 years now), it can be challenging remaining home in a world that devalues this career choice.

I have three children, ages 16, 13, and 8-and at 41 still find myself longing for more-yet health issues did not allow for this!

My best friend, is an at home mother of 5, yet sadly,6 years ago, due to a change in her husband's job position, now lives all the way down in Georgia, while I am in Maine! We were such a support for one another when she was here, and we try to be still-yet the miles present a challenge.

Currently, my husband has been laid off, yet I know we have been led through many crises, thanks be to God. Of course, I am concerned about where I should remain, as the world has such a different view than I have.

I was blessed until the age of 25, with a stay home-mom who was my world. Not one day of my life do I not miss her presence. Shortly after losing my mother, my father had a heart attack and passed away 5 months later. They were 54 and 57 respectively.

If you have time to a-mail, I would be most grateful. I need the encouragement at this time and haven't found much support from the extended family I have, or the friends I used to teach with that have remained behind in their careers.

I have been home for 9 years now, and honestly, in some ways, have never worked harder.

Again, if you have time to write, I would so appreciate it.

If not, I understand and wish you the best with your lovely family!

Sincerely,
Pauline

Photo by Joey Contreras Jr., September, 2008.

I'm so glad God brought you my way! Yes, it can be very discouraging to be a mom at home; the most important job in the world! With those lovely children you are rich! God knows what He is about; enjoy the children you have been blessed with!

It is hard when dear friends and support move away. It can be very lonely.

God will take care of you and your family during this job crisis. Trust Him and don't try to solve it yourself. Just support your man, be frugal and wait for God to act.

I'm so sorry about your mother. How you must miss her. How hard to lose your parents so young. But do be grateful for what you did have during your formative years! Not all of us have been so priviledged. Yet God can use this in your life to be more merciful to those who hurt and to reach out to others who are hurting. It is easy to feel sorry for ourselves, but do not do it. Reach out with love to your family, neighbors and friends. I found that to have friends one must show himself friendly. Look for that older "mother" out there whom you can learn from. There are lonely older women looking for daughters to mother too. Don't be afraid to be the first to reach out. If you wait for others, it may never happen.

I urge you to read Elisabeth Elliot (lots of free stuff on line here http://www.elisabethelliot.org/newsletters.html.) She has blessed my life like no other! She taught me that happiness is in sacrificing our lives for others.

Yes, the mom at home is greatly under-rated and under appreciated. I too work very hard, but it is a happy work and a gift to our families! We are reaping heavenly reward.

I am happy to write to you and wish to be a friend and mentor to you.

Thanks for your encouraging words. If you have not had a chance to read my back issues on www.themotherscompanion.org, please do so. They are very cheap, just enough to keep our website running. There is much there that I think you could benefit from.

Do write again, if you wish to.

Blessings, and prayers,
Helen

More correspondence coming soon..........